It’s about to get real. A moment of truth! I had an Aha! Moment the other day. Have you had something that has been bugging you and you can’t quite figure out why it’s bugging you? Why does it keep popping up and causing issues? Or wonder, “What the heck is this all about?”
When an event happens in your life that was not expected or what you wanted, your security is ripped out from underneath you. Your 5,10, 20 year plans are thrown out the window, it’s terrifying. It’s paralyzing. You’re looking around going what just happened here?
To get to my Aha! Moment, I need to tell you a story. Before I start, I need you to know and understand I had loving, caring parents growing up, my siblings and I like each other because we want to not because we have to, my late husband was a God-fearing man who loved me more than I deserved.
Over the last three years I have been forced to make decisions where I can’t look over at someone and ask, “What do you think?” or “Whatever you think is best.” I had to step out of the shadows and become the sole decision maker for our family. Terrifying is not a strong enough word for what it has been like at times. The pressure is overwhelming, and at times, paralyzing. Making a decision for myself when I’m the only one that will be affected by it is not a big deal. Making a decision that affects not just me but the well being of my kids??? Holy Moly! What if I make the wrong choice? What if they don’t agree? What if it causes more harm than good? What if it will hurt us financially? What If I let someone down?
Don’t get me wrong, I can be bossy and make decisions left and right. Yet, larger decisions weighed heavily over time. Once one thing starts to weigh you down, they all weigh you down.
So, here I am, ok with making decisions, but now feeling the pressure of being the sole decision maker. Why was I feeling so much pressure? Why was it consuming me in a negative way? Why was this so hard? This thought process has been in the back of my mind for 3 years!! 3 years!! Good grief, that is a long time! I’ve prayed, sought out scripture, quieted to myself so I could hear His answer. Well, It came in a still, small moment that I almost missed. It took me a minute to realize He was answering my prayer. It took me a minute to recognize what was going on. I’m going to go back in time to get to the beginning to explain the end. Bare with me and hope you can follow!
I’m the youngest of 3. Your voice is the last to be heard. Your opinion is the last to be considered. It’s not that others don’t want to know or hear from you, there are many more in front of you that are heard first. No biggie. I have my own opinion. I was alright with keeping it to myself. I knew who I was. I was loved, cared for, adored, provided for. There was no animosity for not being heard. It was what it was, I accepted it and moved on. Fast forward to adulthood. I was only 21 and Mark was 36 when we got married. So young. He asked for my opinions, thoughts, wants, desires. He truly cared and wanted me to know that my opinion was important to him. I shared, gave my two cents worth. If we went with his decision and not mine, it was fine. I trusted him to make the best decision for the both of us. Now, I did have to correct him on how to fold hand towels!! He was doing it wrong!! Haha! The things you do to keep a happy wife! Anyway, over the 20 years of our marriage, that became the norm, he’d ask my opinion and desires, we worked together and came up with the best decision for all involved. Fast forward to the past 3 years. My best friend, confidant, decision making husband is now gone. It’s just me. Again, terrifying is not a strong enough word.
I’m back to, “Why is it so hard for me to voice my true heart in decisions or opinions that I have?” Deep, deep down at the core of my being, I didn’t feel valued or heard. Please hear me when I say, I know that I am. I know that my words mean something. I know that I am heard. Yet, the little girl in my struggles. I had to go back in time to the core of the problem, name it, accept it and now I can heal from it. It has traveled with me all of these years. God said it was time to face it and heal from it so I can move on and grow confidently into the woman He has created me to be.
My Aha! Moment was a quiet reveal of the source of my struggle that made me, literally, sit back on my heels and ponder what He was said to me. It was a moment of truth. Do I take the time to go back in time, forgive what I didn’t know needed to be forgiven, accept that I’m not that person anymore. That was the old me. This is the new me. I believe this is what we call daily working out your salvation in Christ. God loves us where we are, but doesn’t want to leave us there. He has so much more planned for us that is far beyond our imagination.
I learned something new about myself that day. How often can we say that! It brings a smile of contentment and peace.
Okay, Lord. I hear you. Thank You for answering my prayers. Thank you for bringing that to my attention so I can acknowledge it, accept it, forgive and move forward with You. You are my All.
My friend, I encourage you to go back in time. Seek out the source of whatever is derailing you. It’s worth the trip. Might be hard, but worth the trip. Forgive others, forgive yourself. You will come out healed and a better version of you. And, you are a step closer to being the person God created you to be.
Thanks for sharing an “Aha!” moment with me. We are in this together, in Him.